Brisk footsteps followed Georgiana into the forest. Her dress and petticoats twisted with each step she took. The dark forest whipping by her in a rush. She felt as swift as lightning, shooting between trees and around bushes. Her corset bit into her torso as she whirled into a turn. A dark mist covered the forest floor. She craned her head around to check behind her. Men were still following her. Fear and panic took over her senses as she ran.
She tried to run faster but her feet wouldn't follow command. Her lungs burned, crying out in agony for warm and slower breaths. The cold air biting at her skin, stealing her precious warmth. She wore no coat, no cloak, no gloves, nothing. She faced nothing but darkness. Cold and heartless black. She was alone, and that frightened her. Behind her she heard shouts and barked commands. Horse hooves beating against the ground in a steady rhythm. The men were gaining on her. She commanded her feet to move faster. But it wasn't enough. Horses surrounded her on every side. Everywhere she turned there were soldiers. The men shouted at her ordering her to stop.
Ignoring them, she refocused herself to the confusion in front of her. Her feet picked up momentum as she ran, gliding her through the night forest. Her hair danced behind her as wind came in a rush, blowing against her. Trying to stop her, or even slow her down. But unexpectedly, the wind changed tactics. It softly pressed against her back now, urging her in the right direction, it seemed. As if it were guiding her. She felt it, the wind was guiding her. She moved with it, depended on it. Turned where the wind turned, twirled when it did. All panic and fear gone from her system. Adrenaline pumping hard and fast in her veins, making her pulse accelerate. Her confidence and courage appeared. She smirked, enjoying herself. Pride and spirit welled up inside of her.
Her feet were picking up a faster pace, still feeling the wind against her back. The gentle pressure urging her faster. Branches flew past her as she cocntinued her dash. She felt the stealth of a horse, her legs ignoring the aggravating skirts of her dress. She was exhilerated and felt the adrenaline in her veins as she ran. Her heart pumping hard and fast in her chest. Her lungs were on fire, crying out in sheer pain. But her legs would not stop, didn't want to. For the first time she felt free. The exciting feeling drove her feet faster, driving delicious waves of joy through her very being. The absorption of the moment took away her awareness. She twisted her head around to see nothing behind her. She was grinning as she twisted back around.
Beaming, something long and hard came into view; she couldn't bring her feet to slow down as she slammed into the end of a musket. The force of the blow slammed her into the forest floor. She layed there, in pain and unable to move. She tried to move to face her attacker, but couldn't bring herself to lift her head up. She lied there, welcoming unconsciousness.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
Since you have been shredded three times, I won't do a line-by-line. Some general comments however:
Description: You have a good sense of description in the first paragraph, with the forest and wind, but you loose some of your freshness when describing Georgiana's physical reactions. You repeat the same feelings, like willing her feet to go faster and adrenaline pumping through her veins often enough in close quarters that is gets stale. Get some more words to describe things to keep a good tone.
Atmosphere: I really find you contradict yourself when it comes to the atmosphere. She's running and scared, but the words themselves are rather calm and the sentences long. A rule of thumb is: the more panic you want to show, the shorter you make your sentences. Again, you were doing well in paragraph one, but you loose it in the middle. When she gets to the full sprint then it feels okay again, but still not exactly... natural? I think that's a good word to describe the calmness of this. It's not that natural.
Overall: An interesting start, for sure, but the comments above really are puzzling me. It shows a lot about her character that she's calm and triumphant when chased, but it's done to an extent that feels off to me. Dial back on the calmness and put in some panic/fear to really make this come to life.
I found paragraph 1 to be the best.
Hope I helped!
~Rosey
Welcome to YWS, Midnight,
I loved the beginning of this piece, mainly because it seemed more medieval to me then most stories on here. Okay into my review.......
You used the word twist/twisted/twisting a lot, not just in this paragraph but throughout this whole prologue. You should try to expand your vocabulary more.
I just think the end of this sentence would sound less awkward if you changed it to: Behind her she hear shouts and commands being barked.
I don't think you need to tell us that the men were on horseback because in the previous sentence you say how she could hear horse hooves.
This sentence needs rewording. Your used twist again. It would sound better as: She ignored them, keeping her focus on the throng of trees ahead.
in between 'her' and 'through' there should be 'way'
Again you used twisted.
These two sentences were awesome I love the wording. Excellent hyperbole use.
.......do I have to say it.....
The rest of the prologue was awesome and I hope you continue it. Sorry if I was harsh at all...
**Mo**
Yay, more historical fiction!
The board has been so slooow. Anyway, hi, nice to meet you.
I'll just jump straight in...
You definitely have a way with words. However, be careful not to start every sentence with 'she'. It got pretty repetitive. Sometimes it felt you were dragging things out. Okay for a short story but a scene like this wouldn't need half the frills in a novel. Good luck onwards.
Lauren
Hey Midnight, welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I shall be your reviewer today.
I see that your review count at the time of this going to post is one. Can you please keep to the 2:1 review:work ratio? The rest of us do
Now then...
I. NITPICKS
This is fine, you get us into your time period, your character's social standing and current situation well. All good. Except that you use twist three times. Look at other options for the word.
NB- you also use it further down.
unexpectedly
uh... is your spacebar working?
That's number five...
Numbers six and seven.
lay or lied.
Okay...
II. SEVEN TIMES? REALLY?
This is my only specific, because it's the only mistake you make throughout the piece. Obviously you're going to use some words seven or more times, but twisted?
-Her dress and petticoats [whipping/beating/flying/licking] around her
-she [swerved/leant/spun] into a turn.
-she [craned her neck/turned/flicked back] her head.
-the [knot/flurry/group/circle] of trees in front of her.
-turned when it did. -and okay, twisted is a good one here, I'll admit.
-she [looked over her shoulder/turned quickly back/shot a glance behind her]
-as she [turned around/faced forwards again/carried on].
It's a nice word, but to are all of those above. I'm not saying you must use one of them, but do try different options.
III. OVERALL
Apart from the twists of this twisting tale (;)) I really quite liked it. It's very movie-beginning, you know, the girl running through the forest, and it makes us wonder what she's done, and why she's being followed. Nice work.
Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.